Awakenings – Living the Real and Raw

I don’t even know where to begin.

There are different kinds of awakenings people experience… and just to keep it really simple, an awakening is any time you wake up to something true for you.  So we have all had awakenings of some kind at some point.  I wanted to demystify this term to begin with (maybe because I’m afraid of freaking you out by using the term ).

I will admit, I have prided myself on being relatable, grounded, practical, non woowoo etc.  so that I can easily bridge the spiritual world with our day to day realities.  Well, lately, I’m not as good at being the bridge.  I’m talking energy, shifts, transformations, awakenings and all kinds of stuff that feels like I’m speaking a foreign language to some people.  I don’t like that because I do have resistance to being weird… but what the hell, I can’t deny it any longer.  There’s a lot I can’t deny any longer.

If I could have brought myself to write, I feel like the last two months could be a book not a blog post… so we’ll see where this goes… I just knew I had to start writing again.

My last blog post was Real and Raw… all the beginnings were bubbling to the surface, yet at that moment, I had no idea what was to come and how fast it would all unfold.  That is what happens when truth is recognized and honored.  Warp speed.

So let me back up… what the in the *@$& has gone on in the last two months?

I was coaching with some amazing women in my Body, Food and Love program (and to be totally honest, I think I got more out of the program than the ladies in it… you teach what you need to learn right??  So DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!).  So 1/2 way through the program I had an awakening… in my body.  Unleashed was a deeper connection to my physical body through “source energy/ sexual energy/ creative life force energy”  (see, I told you I’m spilling the beans on my alternate language).  One of the realizations that I had from this body awakening was how I had shut sexy in the closet over 10 years ago.

There is way more to this story – for another time… but to keep it brief, I stepped out on a limb by teaching an impromptu workshop I called “Bringing Sexy Back” at Eden Unplugged (an unbusiness retreat for evolutionary entrepreneurs).  Teaching that taught me 1.) The power of goddess sisterhood  2.) My work needs to have more in person connection.  3.) Every time I evolve, what I teach gets so much juicier.

After returning home, my last blog post (nearly 2 months ago) described how I was questioning if I had my entire life set up was in alignment with what I realized to be true for me.

Matt and I began the conversations.

We decided to sell our beautiful house and our magical land.  We decided to walk our own paths, dedicated to what we each are most drawn to and how we each want to express ourselves in the world… separately.

I wasn’t walking away from a life I was unhappy with.  I actually had given gratitude every single day for Matt (who is an AMAZING person, my teacher, lover, my solid ground) my house, my land, my life… deep, deep gratitude.  What I was doing was giving up all that I loved most in my life.  (Do you think I’m crazy yet, because I do ).  And what I know was there was truth and clarity in the decision.  Yes, I was happy, comfortable, grateful… AND I had ways in which I was not being expressed.  Ways that I now can not turn away from.

Community, connection, spirituality, intimacy, feeling the rainbow spectrum of human emotions.  I realized I had shut down a lot of feeling in my life for fear of returning to depression.  I had maintained a way of being that was… comfortable.

I packed up the car to head to Colorado for the summer.  On my way, I went to Espanola, NM to go to the Kundalini Yoga gathering for summer solstice.  I had been four times previous and hadn’t been in four years…  I arrived feeling really, really raw, crying my way into New Mexico, releasing my losses and feeling the fear of being fully with myself again (and connected to source).

Landing on the sacred grounds was home coming for me.  There is much more of a story to tell here too… but in short, I continually got affirmation that my decision was right.  I experienced all that I was leaving my life as I knew it for… deep intimacy, community, connection, love, common paths, divinity.  

Now, this isn’t a fairy tale… what I have been facing (and still am) is excruciating discomfort, fears, my shadows, and standing in the fire.  And what I know to be true… love, compassion, a free and truly open heart are the result of being willing to face and then love all that we deem as “unlovable” in each of us.  

New realities are emerging for me.  I will take you with me if you are ready for the journey